He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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