I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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