why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
