Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
