Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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