just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
