Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize