do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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