So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
