come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
