Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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