I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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