You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
