Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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