Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
