my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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