My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
