I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
