I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
