I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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