ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
