Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm getting married
To pizza
i now understand why vodka
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
