the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
