she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
someone owes me an orgasm
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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