the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
