Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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