I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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