I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
its liver damage thursday
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
