i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
