Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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