When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
