So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
