You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Screwed.edu
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
