ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
