I wanna passion pit in your ass
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she smelled like a LAN party
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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