You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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