You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
