I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
