I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
