I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
