i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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