I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
