you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am spending my child support on dildos
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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