Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
