Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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