Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
