I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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