My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
