K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
