I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
